How to Feel

I wonder,
Do you know?
Do you know how it feels
To look down at your arm and then it moves?
But you feel nothing?

You moved it with your mind,
But all the nerves
Respond as though it’s someone else’s.

Have you ever typed something
And felt nothing?
Your hands
Moving of their own volition,
And your brain
Going blank?

Have you ever stared at something,
Heard some people talking
But couldn’t realize it?

Have you ever taken a walk
On a warm, dark,
Moonless night,
But your body was not yours?

Have you ever
Looked in the mirror,
Hoping
Dreaming
That it wasn’t who you were
Staring back?
And flinching when you saw him?

Have you ever had to proclaim
In a journal,
In a thought
That you are not that person?
The other one within you?
The one that others see?
That he is dead?
That you have killed him?

Have you ever screamed into the void
That you are you?
I
Am
Me.

I write because I don’t know how
To live with it otherwise.

I write
And
Am
Myself.

When others see that
Thing
I wish that I could hide,
It reminds me that I am not here.

The walk I went on yesterday
Was nothing,
Mechanics,
Going through the motions.

I wonder, how much it would take
To feel at home here?
To not feel as though someone else
Has written over me?
I wonder how it feels now,
Now I know that I am here
How it feels to feel
Your arm,
And it be yours.

My brain,
My consciousness
Is thousands of miles away.
And I can’t bring it back.

How do you go on a walk
And feel as your legs move
And feel the wind
On your face?

It feels like I
Will never remember.